Pee, poop, interoception, SPD and demands.

As a first-time parent I read up about potty training and learnt about signs of readiness that kids show and so when my daughter started refusing nappies, we figured she was ready. What we did not realise is actually sensory issues were at the heart of her refusing nappies. She was dry and night pretty quickly, but day times ended up being a mess. Reintroducing nappies resulted in screaming the house down, no nappies meant frequent accidents, we tried the traditional stuff that we were not a great fan but were getting pretty desperate such as reward charts.

A reward chart was not as great idea, there wasn’t anything she cared enough about, stickers, she didn’t care for, eventually we decided on a trip to Cadbury world, but when she filled the chart, she expected to go right then. She totally didn’t get the idea that we had to wait until Saturday, so then refused to even let us use the chart again. One thing that did motivate her was screen time so for some time on the iPad she mostly used the toilet. It stopped the accidents, but it was problematic out and about and it did not help with poop in fact poo became a big issue. She wouldn’t go for days.

With a lot of research, I learnt about interoception, sensory issues and we started to understand about PDA.

We changed the language around using the bathroom, we’d got to the stage, of cajoling, begging, pleading, bribing but all this was doing was increasing the demand on her. We tried completely not talking about it, but still innate demand was there, and a lack of sensory regulation meant that she was craving the feedback that holding was giving her.

We saw a sensory occupational therapist, and this really helped, we started increasing activities around the house that gave sensory feedback. She particularly loved us pretending she was a hotdog and wrapping her tight in a blanket and patting on toppings, and playing “mine, mine mine” where again she was wrapped up and me and my husband would wrestle her from each other’s arms, spin her, toss her between us. I’d mentally take a check of where we were at in the day if we’d not moved much, I’d initiate something, or we’d head to a soft play centre.

We learnt that if she had anything demanding like a dental appointment to make sure sensory activity came before and after. We also found that if she hadn’t been for a poo in a day or so, we’d stay home so she’d have a “safe” toilet.

Over time she’s become better at self-regulation and we’ve adjusted our house to make this possible so there’s a trampoline and a door swing, gym balls in the lounge and other stuff around.

She thankfully doesn’t chronically hold anymore, but her struggle with it isn’t over, we’ve tried to remove the screen-time rewards, but it’s just too much. So, despite re-regulating screen she’ll still opt to self-reward bathroom trips with some iPad and she still wants/need support with personal care but in general the panic of kidney infections and impaction are in the past for us.

Where’s my point in all this waffle?

Avoid rewards if you can! Bo’s work goes into the why rewards are not ideal from a psychological perspective. If you really want to do rewards make sure it’s something you are willing to do forever and be aware that demand avoidant kids don’t tend to respond well to rewards anyway.

 If your child is struggling and you know sensory needs are at play, help your child tackle those. If they are in school, that may mean asking for your child to have movement breaks or use a wobble cushion, the book” Kid’s guide to staying awesome and being in control” has some great mini body breaks that can be done at a desk. Again, with schools it may be that the child needs access to a quieter toilet or the toilets when there are not as many kids in there at the same time. Let’s face it school toilets aren’t the nicest! Schools are obliged to make reasonable adjustments for your child even if there is no diagnosis.

Make your bathrooms at home more sensory friendly, often they are cold and echo-y and just well weird compared to the rest of the house. Dressing gowns hanging can reduce echoes, a smaller toilet seat can help a child feel secure, etc! Using headphones or ear defenders in public loos, particularly if they have hand driers can make a massive difference. This is the one setting my daughter uses ear defenders for. Finding good smells for your bathroom, or out and about we use roll on essential oils or body spray on a wrist or cuff so there’s something pleasant to smell.

If demand avoidance is at play remember demands aren’t just external! Even if you don’t place a demand around toileting (and lets face it we can be pretty bad at this as parents after all it’s hard not to react when your child is squiggling and it’s your soft furnishings at risk) the child is struggling with their body telling them what to do! We can support this by making sure the child has control over as much of their life as possible often called low arousal or low demand lifestyle. If the child feels in control generally then needing to pee isn’t so bad, if they already feel like life is out of control then it’s a real kicker!

And lastly when your child is struggling, take a deep breath, remind yourself they are trying their best and they don’t mean to make life more difficult! I know I honestly made things worse with my reactions at points (because it’s hard, I get that!) but the better I get at checking my own reactions the less of a deal grabbing a towel and squirty bottle of carpet cleaner feels, honestly!

Best of luck to families still struggling with this!

Imagine... Neuroception and developmental trauma - a personal opinion

Imagine, it’s a couple of million years ago, you live in a hunter gatherer society and you’re a new Mum, proud of your little bundle and yet it seems your child is not like most of the other new-borns. Your child suckles more frequently, wakes often, seems highly alert to everything going on, is not babbling like the others but forever listening.

The other mother’s see your child and support you, they tie your baby to their back while they go about their morning chores, allowing you to get that extra bit of sleep so you can function well the rest of the day. The tribe is accepting of your child only liking being held by a few of the tribe and make those individuals available to your child. In fact your child is praised and loved by the tribe. They know that children like these are invaluable to the tribe they sense the wolf prowling while everyone else is unaware they sense the pressure changes in the air and so can predict weather even though there maybe isn’t an understanding of pressure fronts that modern society has.

As the child grows their senses are not only accepted but fine-tuned, praised. What this individual is what in modern days would be called a highly sensitive neuroception.

Fast forward to the modern era, proud new Mum just the same but instead you are bombarded with, “what is wrong with your child?” “Have you tried just drinking more coffee?” “Leave them to cry!” you’re overwhelmed and over-tired, your child is maybe accepted by some, but the support of you getting that extra rest is not only gone, but you are expected to be back to work, after all your income is needed to pay the mortgage, that child is desperate for one of those few safe individuals but is instead peeled off you but someone the child doesn’t trust each morning. Maybe the mother has decided not to work, but is judged for her decision, financially struggling, tired to the bone…

This of course is all imagined.

Now why did I write all of that? I recently listened to a webinar about developmental trauma being at the heart of PDA, and that developmental trauma causes that highly sensitive neuroception, but what if it’s the other way around? What if highly developed neuroception is an evolutionary benefit and it’s our modern society’s reaction to it that causes the developmental trauma?

Does it matter? Maybe not because as long as we understand that the individual has a highly sensitive neuroception and we learn how to support it then it doesn’t really matter whether the chicken of the egg came first. But maybe yes because instead of seeing it as a flaw, we see it as something beautiful, something to be cherished and praised. Just a thought!

Favourite PDA resources

Hey :)

Meaning to write at least once a week, so bear with me!

The last three days the positive PDA summit has been on so I've not listened/read any of my normal stuff and have basically crammed hours of listening on PDA, which isn't necessarily polite to the rest of my family as I wander round with headphones in, praying not to be sabotaged by the Facebook gremlins (I've not managed to listen to anything without it cutting out part way through). Today is a bonus day with all the last three days available for free. I opened the page took a look to decide what to listen to first and decided I'm going to pay the early bird price and have a year’s access. This is a difficult decision, partly because I'm tight and spend most my life using free resources, but mostly because my ADHD brain needs that deadline, listen to it or else it's gone in 24 hours is a massive motivator to get my brain in gear!

It leads me to a bigger point. There is so much stuff out there that I want to learn from and so many resources out there, especially in light of Covid 19 and so many zoom courses for parents that  I get really overwhelmed. I actually spent half hour the other day going through things I’ve clicked interested on, pages I’ve saved that I have no idea how to prioritise and get through it all! So, this post is half, help others and half me prioritising!

So, the place my PDA awareness journey started was a blog that I can’t find about a family reducing all demands for their child. A lady I met through home education shared it with me and I thought, “wow, I don’t think I could ever do that!” and “I’m sure my daughter isn’t that demand avoidant”. It certainly raised questions that I hadn’t considered. I will add it if I can re-find it.

The next person/resources that have had a major impact on me is Libby Hill from Small Talk her blog is here http://www.smarttalkersblog.com/ and webpage http://www.private-speech-therapy.co.uk/assessment_54_3.html it was a evening presentation for my local autism support group where it felt like she described my daughter exactly!

I then by Libby’s recommendation listened to Harry Thompson https://www.harryjackthompson.com/ I first listened to him on YouTube, but have since read his book, jumped on Q and A’s and I never tire of hearing him speak. He’s sweary, funny and never ask him how to get your child to do something because he totally is on the side of your child and it triggers his demand avoidance which isn’t a nice thing to do!

Likewise, Julia Daunt and her Facebook Q and A’s have been enlightening! https://memyselfandpda.com/

SallyCat has the most amazing visuals on PDA https://memyselfandpda.com/

And I’d be remiss not to mention the PDA society too! https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/

Studio 3 I did a great webinar with Bo Elven and I own one of Bo’s books too (I’m part way through – this is where we run into my to do list!) https://www.studio3.org/ honestly if you have any violent/aggressive issues going on or frequent meltdowns, start here!

Moving on from where I’ve already read to where I’m going…

https://neurodivergentrebel.com/ I’ve just started dipping my toes into.

The Aspie world https://www.theaspieworld.com/ I’ve just started listening to too.

https://elearning.creativeeducation.co.uk/ have a free course each week! So far, I’ve managed one, but high on my do to list is the self-regulation one which is free all the time, I think. I try and keep an eye out to see if the weekly one is one, I need to stick in my diary! https://www.pookyknightsmith.com/blog is behind the creative education company.

https://sianhill.com/# I discovered from the positive PDA summit and I want to take one the courses as soon as I can as I think it’ll be really helpful! Sian looks at healing from developmental trauma/supporting that highly sensitive neuroception state that PDA is.

Then there are all the ones I find in my Facebook groups!

See why my head spins?!

My focus from now on is one or two a week, after I’ve had a brain break from the conference this weekend. If you are new to all this, take a deep breath, and think how lucky we are that all this is available! If behaviour is your main worry, start with Studio 3, if it’s general help PDA society, if it’s understanding life with PDA go with Harry 😊

Sleep part 1

 I wrote this back in January, but had not made the blog to post it back then, so enjoy and I’ll write an update as things have changed for us this year already!

I’ve debated starting a blog for a really long time, why? Because I love to talk and because life is a journey of learning and discovery and sometimes it’s good to take the time to write that thought process down and share it. The topic I think about writing on most? Sleep!

I have a crazy 6 year old who has a PDA profile of autism and has sensory issues. This means sleep is definitely not how we expected in the is house! I’ve listened to podcasts on sleep, I’ve memorised lists of sleep hygiene habits, I’ve put as many red lights in my house as ‘one of those’ streets in Amsterdam. I’ve bought a diffuser to emit lavender, I’ve made a compression sheet, weighted blanket, I’ve tried different light combinations, delta wave music, sleep meditations, de-regulating bedtime (Absolute disaster)… The list goes on!

One of the most helpful posts I’ve ever read was by another parent who linked sensory needs to bedtime. A lot of our routine comes from this and we went from a lot of wake-ups and a horrid evening to better once we played with ideas from that article, but the age old problem of bedtime being super late and mornings being torture pervaded.

So, back to de-regulating bedtime. What I’ve discovered is if left to it, my daughter, will not sleep until she’s about to drop and that will be 2am, her sleep is less restful, I’m exhausted, she’s exhausted, melting down, which in turn delays sleep further (thanks cortisol) and we end up in a dreadful state. Equally routine can be a massive problem! The only routine a demand avoidant person can handle is one that they are in control of!

So bedtime starts with me opting to go to bed (now I appreciate this is very much an individual thing, some kids would wave goodnight and read or play lego all night long. Selfishly if the child was responsible enough for this and would let me sleep, I’d take it! As it is mine has separation anxiety, which I am totally exploiting in this one instance and feel little shame about it. Lets face it mostly it’s draining/exhausting, and a whole post of it’s own. So, the choice is more food or head upstairs, we head upstairs and have a dimly lit room with a red/orange/pink light. If she’s wired, she dances, jumps on the bed etc, until some of the energy is out, when she starts to flag, I read stories, we have a floating rule of three smaller books, or a set number of pages with bigger books with a nightly negotiation of more/less.

After books is brushing teeth. I use an electric toothbrush which is too noisy, so I put her brush with paste next to her and leave the room to do mine, I don’t prompt her to brush. However when I return, it’s my turn to go over them. This is one of our few hard rules, she has three cavities, that we are trying not to worsen. The rule is if teeth aren’t brushed, then there are no sugar containing foods to be eaten. We spoke together about this, that division of responsibility is for me as a parent to keep her and her teeth safe. Her choice is to keep her teeth clean or not, but that has consequences. The natural consequence is pain and dental work and that’s not a consequence I’m willing to let happen to her. She’s chosen her own toothbrush and has her favourite toothpaste, and these are always available to her and a couple of spares if she wants to change her mind. We spoke at length about germs and cavities and that it’s Paddy the dentist that says I have to have a turn not me. The last one helps tremendously. Thankfully my kid has the understanding for this! I don’t know what I’d do if she didn’t. The cavities are the consequence of her not letting me brush for a very long time. We battled for a long time, and tried lots of things before this point! It can be really hard, supporting body autonomy and personal choice and not being an irresponsible parent!

After teeth it’s drop the light to completely dark or candle, it’s always candle in our house.  Again I’m thankful she’s responsible enough for this. When she was younger it was a red light but that was too boring, light changing things were too stimulating, so the flicker of the candle provides the right balance of not boring, not distracting. But this is something that will be individual to each person and requires time, to work out. Novelty means any change keeps them awake at first!

We then listen to audiobooks, we’ve been through the Tiffany Aching series by Terry Pratchett many many times, and the Hiccup series by Cressida Cowell. Currently we’re using Borrowbox which is free audiobooks from the library, but Audible has had a decent trade out of me. Noise is something we’ve experimented with too. White noise was irritating, sleep meditation too demanding, with my child chanting through it that she would not do or imagine ANYTHING they said. There are some nice non demanding sleep stories on Youtube, but bright screen is something we avoid after dinner so it would be placed face down, plus they tended to be too short, my child doesn’t drift off in 20 minutes, I had the same issue with the moshi twilight stories. The other nice thing is I like the stories, so instead of this being torture, we snuggle and listen together and hopefully she’s learning that It’s ok, to be still, it’s ok to not fall asleep straight away, there’s no need to stress, just enjoy the process.

So many of us as adults don’t sleep because we are anxious about not sleeping. The downside of stories like that is they can be too stimulating, we have favourite bits of stories she will anticipate and wait for. I can imagine for some kids it would just be overwhelming from start of finish. I’ll also admit I didn’t switch it off straight away last night because it was too exciting (oops!) and listened to another 15 minutes or so.

And like that, magic we sleep, right? Nope, there’s always the actually I’m hungry, I’m too hot every night. This does try my patience some nights. What we have is one of those cooling pads for pets from B and M that she will use and a coolpak from the freezer wrapped in a pillowcase so she can fidget and cool herself down. Cooler room temperatures is a sleep aid, tho I haven’t managed to work our thermostat to try it and I’m a wimp and love it warm, despite the research!

I’ve tried not feeding her, it didn’t work and when there are other food issues (another post in the making) in the end, while we have restrictions about what food, the sensory feedback really helps her, so she tends to crunch on frozen berries (sorry teeth I know this isn’t great and if I could find a better solution I’d take it, chewies don’t work for us, tho I’m sure they would for some!) So I tramp up and down the stairs, the dim light goes back on until those words “I’m full up” the light gets turned off so it’s just candle, and yay, we’ve aced it.

This isn’t the routine any parent actually wants is it?! We’d started earlier but it generally ends up between 10.30 and 12 that she sleeps and if I start earlier then there’s just more procrastination. If we start later, she sleeps later, and that is even more exhausting.

Most recently was the decision to try and shift her circadian rhythm to a ‘better pattern’ by waking her 15 minutes earlier each day to get to a sensible time each morning. This time was not arbitrary, it was simply the time we’d need to be up to car share so we can get out and about easily. (I should write about public transport another day!) and logically starting the bedtime routine earlier. The result wasn’t the amazing solution I thought, by two weeks in, my daughter and I were both exhausted, bags under her eyes, teary several times a day, crying at night because she wanted to sleep, but sleep wouldn’t come, average sleep time still 11.30pm.

Now I’m a Christian (this will probably come up in other posts) and so as I do I prayed about this and what to do, was I being too radical hoping it would work in as short at two weeks? Was I torturing us both by continuing. My body said, let’s just have a couple of lie ins, my mind wrestled with being weak, the pressure of a husband struggling with the fact every other parent he knew put their kids to bed and cuddled on the sofa, watched a film etc, where as our routine meant him heading off for his chill out time on the PC at 9.30 and then going to bed at 11.30 alone while I was with our 6 year still lying with her awake. And then as I scrolled Facebook the next day I came across SallyCat’s post on her sleep. Now I’m not saying my daughter does or doesn’t have the condition spoken about, but the fact she physically cannot sleep until 11.30 sunk in and so now we’re on a new path.

This path isn’t a straight forward one, it means finding the finances for a second car so I don’t feel so stuck at home. It means we’re going to re-vamp the bedroom in the half term so she has a double bed of her own, so I can help settle her. It’s accepting she’s going to need that for a while longer. It means my husband will get to sleep in his own room again, rather than my daughter’s bed she never took to because she couldn’t bear to be in there alone! It means quitting on that ideal of snuggly evenings, but instead being intentional that as she sleeps till 9.30 of a morning when allowed to, we can have snuggly weekend mornings and reconnect as a couple. Which is something that is overdue.

So yeah, my advice for any parents out there struggling is try to enjoy the process! This is a toughy, but honestly the calmer I am, the easier this is. The more I let go of other demands I place on myself the less stressed I am. The other is have a wind down process but allow the child to feel in control if they are demand avoidant, be that PDA or other factors making them feel that way. The end of the day is the worst, because the whole day has been an assault of demands even in a low arousal setting. So try to chill out, relax and hope you can model all that calm your child needs and that you can get some sleep too!

Why I unschool

Hopefully you've heard of unschooling. If not it's where you give your child the space to follow their own interests and you give them the resources/support they need to learn as much as they can through their interests. I'm sure there's better info on what it is and isn't out there on the internet if you want to find it!

Right from age 2 there was no way my daughter was going to be Ok with separating from me for nursery. that was OK, we told our concerns to the health visitor who simply said, kid's separate naturally at different ages, don't worry about it. We were fine with skipping nursery until she was ready, but that readiness didn't seem to be forthcoming, in fact the opposite was true, she was struggling more and more with play groups, and all our gradual plans did not help at all!

Somewhere between 3 and 4 we started exploring home education activities in our area. Plenty of families have smalls as well as school age children so I was encourged to go along. What I found blew my mind. I knew a couple of homeschooling families (that honestly had put me off homeeducation - but that's a tangent I'm not going down right now) and they bought curriculums and their children sat down and were educated as formally, if not more so than a school. So finding families with a range of flexibility was interesting. I had my doubts about any child truly learning that way.

At this stage we didn't appreciate Miss A's needs, (I'll write another day about our understanding PDA journey another day) but one of the main things that happened as we were just starting to understand she might have demand avoidance was me trying to support her to improve her pen grip. I thought I was being calm and gentle, although in hindsight I think there were underlying tones of frustration - after all if she'd just do it my way she'd have much more control over that pen and she'd be less frustrated too! What happened next was a total mark making refusal. It lasted the best part of a year. She totally stopped, colouring/drawing, using a stick in mud, anything!

It was like a serious blow to me, I realised that it was my reaction, my stress about my daughter needing to write her own name like the kids in nursery would be practising every day that caused her refusal. If I'd just allowed her to do it her way...

As I write this she'd now be in year 1, she can not write her own name without help, tho I pleased to say she actually asked for help to write it a couple of weeks back. The last few days she's been obsessed with chalk and whiteboard markers! As she walks around the house finding things she's allowed to create art on, of course paper isn't an appropriate medium. She gave me a drawing lesson on the drive and then hyperfocused on colouring every single border stone around our drive. The run back and forth for a different chalk colour, definitely kept the activity fresh. (I have no idea why she only wanted 1 chalk each out front at a time, but hey extra moevement is good!) She did ask for help so I coloured a few too.

Mentally it can be hard on me to unschool to let go of comparing her to her peers, for me to grab her interest and help her run with it (she's asked to learn to read too, so there's me suddenly taking a crash course on phonics and printing half a tree off twinkl) but she's happy and she's progessing. I have every faith she'll be writing like a pro when she's ready, same with reading!

I'll leave you a few photos of this morning's hour of pen grip practice :) And of course making our drive in Miss A's words "beautiful for passers by"

Autism/PDA and screentime

Screen time 

(By this I mean time using/watching TV, computer, iPad, mobile phones etc)

One of those questions I see ALL the time in my ASD/PDA parenting groups is around screen time and let’s face it we've had our fair share of struggles with it. If you'd asked me pre child I would have said my child is having no screens until 2 and after that a very limited amount. They are not healthy! 

Honestly 0-2 went well, then as screen time started it was the odd film while we needed to get stuff

done, then an iPad came into the mix and well… 

And of course, the stream that ran alongside this was an emerging awareness of Miss A's

neurodivergence, her struggles with sensory issues, random noises, touches, her fear of

unpredictability, her total obsession with me her mother to the exclusion of pretty much any other human being. 

Screens helped get stuff done, necessary stuff, driving Daddy to work so we could have the car,

medical appointments, the vacuuming. Then came the parental guilt, the meltdowns due to lack of sensory regulation, the meltdowns because screens were going away/being turned off. 

It can't carry on forever, right? So as a parent I've been trying to learn. We saw an awesome SALT who said how screen time can turn an autistic meltdown state to end much quicker than left to run its course. I've never found the research she mentioned (it's on a to do list in my brain) and well that parental guilt took a turn, what if screens are helping my child?! 

So, we tried once again to deregulate screen time, but that lack of movement was a killer. 

Time ticks on, the daily meltdowns continue… 

Then I heard other voices, Harry Thompson, Julia Daunt, Bo Eleveson being the three most prominent. The latter I thought we were quite good at low arousal, but it definitely provided some tweaks on life that have been invaluable. 

And here's what I've learnt so far. I needed to change my inner narrative. This isn't a question of "how much screen time do I allow?" but "how do I support my daughter to take movement breaks and engage in other things she loves?" 

There is the why of the screen time, what is screen time doing for my child? Is it their safe space? Their recovery time from a demanding world? Their way to pursue their special interests? Are they learning from their screen time - be that ‘educational content’ or observing and learning social cues without the pressure of a real person? 

Oftentimes an increase in screen time in our house is an indicator of struggles elsewhere in life. It’s because there’s been a terrible nights sleep, recovery is needed due to a visit to the in-laws, the list is endless and sometimes honestly it’s not worth the guesswork or why my child wants more screen time, it’s about understanding some days she needs more to feel OK, and that’s OK.

I need to appreciate what I'm asking her to turn off for. I'm one of those people who when I start a good book, I can't put it down. I know I should go to bed instead. I know sleep is good for me I know I'll feel terrible if I keep reading and yet still, just one more chapter… If I’m like that with a book, or my own computer game then I need to expect it of my daughter too. 

Then there's the added stressor of when we ask a child to stop screen time often what we ask them to turn off for isn't something positive, it's like the equivalent of a warzone! There's likely demands, expectations, noises, interactions. Dinnertime and bedtime can be pretty darn tough (These deserve separate blogs each). Visiting family or going out… You know what no wonder they don't want to turn off, I don't blame them! 

Let's add into this the concept of flow state, my daughter recently got a Roblox account and this isn't just a game, it's a part of her identity. In her words "I'm a Robloxer now" I wish I could explain flow state, but I don't trust myself to do it well, but it adds into that stopping is just not easy.

There's of course the control thing too. I purposely didn't do control first. I believe appreciating the why behind the need for PDA control as best we can helps us have empathy. That sudden grapple for control only happens when there's a perceived threat of loss of control. 

So, what we currently do… We have screen time first thing I mean before a pee first thing (gosh pee and poo is a whole topic too!), my daughter needs that screen like I need my coffee. We get teeth and some kind of calories in and occasionally even hair if I am pushing my luck with screen time going on. 

We talk about agreed finish time, be that a Google timer, a set number of episodes, a saved YouTube watch list (one she's made herself of course). We also talk about the screen free time as a break, so she knows she can return. I try my best to be available for that screen free time, and where possible it’s her choice what we do next. If it’s not there’s plenty of warnings beforehand.  

Obviously things with actual ends are easier, with games if a timer goes it isn't a case of power off, it's then finding a checkpoint or a place to put the in-game characters to bed (my daughter has a thing about this). 

Sometimes the pull is too much and honestly, I'll go potter around the house, wash up, or empty the washing machine, come back and ask how she's getting on finding a place to finish. Rinse repeat, if it becomes a long time, we'll have the Mummy chat about how I'm looking out for her interests (she probably hates that), and mutual respect. It probably sounds like “Blah blah blah” to her, I’m working on it, but some parenting habits are hard to fix! 

Other families set up fun things to lure the child away, I do this occasionally but I'm not that creative! 

Where possible she flows into her next best activity, (for us that's her imaginative storyline - affectionately called "game that never ends") Where we have demanding stuff (hello awkward Skype with the in-laws) we generally have a "we need to…/I need to…" but after that's done how about we come back to x, y, z. 

Even if we're just switching flow state, she'll often say how much of a break is the minimum? And we'll set a timer for that too so when it goes, she can screen again, often though she's enjoying her current thing the alarm just comes and goes. 

The narrative has massively changed in the last few weeks and we're going several days between meltdowns - now that's never all about screen time anyway and we use the same ideas when coming out of the "game that never ends" flow state, so letting her know I need to change (it's always me, I get burnt out by 2+hours of narrative, or I need to make dinner etc) so we agree an endpoint and her next activity - yes that's normally screen time! 

I'm not saying we have it right or perfect or that this will work for any other family. We're all on a journey! What I will say is listening to #actuallyautistic voices is my biggest thing in understanding this craziness that is parenting so make the time to listen to a YouTube or a webinar, a Facebook Q and A, even if you have no questions! I would rather you do this than read my blogs to be honest. Although I'm finding blogging cathartic!

Oh, one last thing I wanted to say but forgot, is look at types of screen time too. Roblox can become very involved, but provides the least amount of sensory regulation, TV means in our house, she can roll on the peanut gym ball, flip upside down on the sofa, swing on the gorilla gym we have etc. Thinking about sensory regulation while engaging in screen time can make screen time better! That can simply be a stim toy next to the keyboard, there's a love for putty/blu tac at the moment it doesn't have to be the bigger stuff! So, I can relax that my daughter isn't going to come off Roblox antsy as actually she's played with the putty and built in her own mini movement breaks!

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Welcome!

Welcome to Alternative Normalcy. What does Alternative Normalcy even mean? So much of my life is normal to me at least, but generally would be described as "alternative". So here's to sharing my normal in the hope it becomes more normal/less weird in general!

Off the top of my head things I would include in this list are
I breastfed to natural term
I used slings /babywore
My parenting style falls somewhere under the bannners of attachment/theraputic/child led.
I unschool my daughter
I'm pro being as barefoot as I can be
I'm pro being in nature/nature therapy
I have a daughter with PDA so I try my best to use low arousal approaches
I'm learning about mine and my husband's own undiagnosed neurodiversities
I love strength training and trail running

I hope some of these don't sound so weird, all of them I may end up writing about!

For now this post is an achievement for me, I've debated whether it's worth starting a blog endlessly, I I've been distracted, overwhelmed, procrastinated, hyperfocused and built an entire site on a different provider for 3 hours, only to dismiss it after checking the cost... But this is a start :)