Autism/PDA and screentime

Screen time 

(By this I mean time using/watching TV, computer, iPad, mobile phones etc)

One of those questions I see ALL the time in my ASD/PDA parenting groups is around screen time and let’s face it we've had our fair share of struggles with it. If you'd asked me pre child I would have said my child is having no screens until 2 and after that a very limited amount. They are not healthy! 

Honestly 0-2 went well, then as screen time started it was the odd film while we needed to get stuff

done, then an iPad came into the mix and well… 

And of course, the stream that ran alongside this was an emerging awareness of Miss A's

neurodivergence, her struggles with sensory issues, random noises, touches, her fear of

unpredictability, her total obsession with me her mother to the exclusion of pretty much any other human being. 

Screens helped get stuff done, necessary stuff, driving Daddy to work so we could have the car,

medical appointments, the vacuuming. Then came the parental guilt, the meltdowns due to lack of sensory regulation, the meltdowns because screens were going away/being turned off. 

It can't carry on forever, right? So as a parent I've been trying to learn. We saw an awesome SALT who said how screen time can turn an autistic meltdown state to end much quicker than left to run its course. I've never found the research she mentioned (it's on a to do list in my brain) and well that parental guilt took a turn, what if screens are helping my child?! 

So, we tried once again to deregulate screen time, but that lack of movement was a killer. 

Time ticks on, the daily meltdowns continue… 

Then I heard other voices, Harry Thompson, Julia Daunt, Bo Eleveson being the three most prominent. The latter I thought we were quite good at low arousal, but it definitely provided some tweaks on life that have been invaluable. 

And here's what I've learnt so far. I needed to change my inner narrative. This isn't a question of "how much screen time do I allow?" but "how do I support my daughter to take movement breaks and engage in other things she loves?" 

There is the why of the screen time, what is screen time doing for my child? Is it their safe space? Their recovery time from a demanding world? Their way to pursue their special interests? Are they learning from their screen time - be that ‘educational content’ or observing and learning social cues without the pressure of a real person? 

Oftentimes an increase in screen time in our house is an indicator of struggles elsewhere in life. It’s because there’s been a terrible nights sleep, recovery is needed due to a visit to the in-laws, the list is endless and sometimes honestly it’s not worth the guesswork or why my child wants more screen time, it’s about understanding some days she needs more to feel OK, and that’s OK.

I need to appreciate what I'm asking her to turn off for. I'm one of those people who when I start a good book, I can't put it down. I know I should go to bed instead. I know sleep is good for me I know I'll feel terrible if I keep reading and yet still, just one more chapter… If I’m like that with a book, or my own computer game then I need to expect it of my daughter too. 

Then there's the added stressor of when we ask a child to stop screen time often what we ask them to turn off for isn't something positive, it's like the equivalent of a warzone! There's likely demands, expectations, noises, interactions. Dinnertime and bedtime can be pretty darn tough (These deserve separate blogs each). Visiting family or going out… You know what no wonder they don't want to turn off, I don't blame them! 

Let's add into this the concept of flow state, my daughter recently got a Roblox account and this isn't just a game, it's a part of her identity. In her words "I'm a Robloxer now" I wish I could explain flow state, but I don't trust myself to do it well, but it adds into that stopping is just not easy.

There's of course the control thing too. I purposely didn't do control first. I believe appreciating the why behind the need for PDA control as best we can helps us have empathy. That sudden grapple for control only happens when there's a perceived threat of loss of control. 

So, what we currently do… We have screen time first thing I mean before a pee first thing (gosh pee and poo is a whole topic too!), my daughter needs that screen like I need my coffee. We get teeth and some kind of calories in and occasionally even hair if I am pushing my luck with screen time going on. 

We talk about agreed finish time, be that a Google timer, a set number of episodes, a saved YouTube watch list (one she's made herself of course). We also talk about the screen free time as a break, so she knows she can return. I try my best to be available for that screen free time, and where possible it’s her choice what we do next. If it’s not there’s plenty of warnings beforehand.  

Obviously things with actual ends are easier, with games if a timer goes it isn't a case of power off, it's then finding a checkpoint or a place to put the in-game characters to bed (my daughter has a thing about this). 

Sometimes the pull is too much and honestly, I'll go potter around the house, wash up, or empty the washing machine, come back and ask how she's getting on finding a place to finish. Rinse repeat, if it becomes a long time, we'll have the Mummy chat about how I'm looking out for her interests (she probably hates that), and mutual respect. It probably sounds like “Blah blah blah” to her, I’m working on it, but some parenting habits are hard to fix! 

Other families set up fun things to lure the child away, I do this occasionally but I'm not that creative! 

Where possible she flows into her next best activity, (for us that's her imaginative storyline - affectionately called "game that never ends") Where we have demanding stuff (hello awkward Skype with the in-laws) we generally have a "we need to…/I need to…" but after that's done how about we come back to x, y, z. 

Even if we're just switching flow state, she'll often say how much of a break is the minimum? And we'll set a timer for that too so when it goes, she can screen again, often though she's enjoying her current thing the alarm just comes and goes. 

The narrative has massively changed in the last few weeks and we're going several days between meltdowns - now that's never all about screen time anyway and we use the same ideas when coming out of the "game that never ends" flow state, so letting her know I need to change (it's always me, I get burnt out by 2+hours of narrative, or I need to make dinner etc) so we agree an endpoint and her next activity - yes that's normally screen time! 

I'm not saying we have it right or perfect or that this will work for any other family. We're all on a journey! What I will say is listening to #actuallyautistic voices is my biggest thing in understanding this craziness that is parenting so make the time to listen to a YouTube or a webinar, a Facebook Q and A, even if you have no questions! I would rather you do this than read my blogs to be honest. Although I'm finding blogging cathartic!

Oh, one last thing I wanted to say but forgot, is look at types of screen time too. Roblox can become very involved, but provides the least amount of sensory regulation, TV means in our house, she can roll on the peanut gym ball, flip upside down on the sofa, swing on the gorilla gym we have etc. Thinking about sensory regulation while engaging in screen time can make screen time better! That can simply be a stim toy next to the keyboard, there's a love for putty/blu tac at the moment it doesn't have to be the bigger stuff! So, I can relax that my daughter isn't going to come off Roblox antsy as actually she's played with the putty and built in her own mini movement breaks!

Thanks for reading if you made it this far!